No sensible plan can be reached in the midst of an argument but if you're referring to guidelines you both agreed to during saner times that plan can help you to work through your differences in heated times.

“Never go to bed angry.”

The concept of not going to bed angry is an excellent one but if you haven't discussed and worked out a plan for the times you disagree, it's a difficult one to implement. The time to implement a plan for disagreements is when you're in harmony.

Never going to bed angry doesn't mean that each disagreement has to be over before bedtime. It means that the anger you both feel in the moment has to be put away before your heads hit the pillow.

Each of you should take a few hours alone to seriously think about what you believe “fighting fair” involves and to think about your limits. Write down the things that have upset you the most in past arguments and then discuss how to not keep falling into those traps. Here's a sample list for you to consider:

• I stop hearing someone when they begin to yell
• I get so disappointed and ashamed when I resort to abusive name calling but I'm not sure how to stop it.
• I feel as though I'm the only one responsible for ending an argument and afterwards, it makes me feel resentful.
• I don't know how to express how I feel to you.
• When you cry/yell/tune me out/walk away/throw in old arguments, I get crazy.
• I think you won't love me if I tell you how I really feel
• I need some kind of temporary way out of an argument when it starts to get really hurtful.

If you think about previous arguments and just start writing out your feelings, you should be able to fill a page in no time and be able to start a discussion on how to resolve your conflicts as partners.

Talk about what things you might argue over as a couple. If you know the flash points in advance, it's much easier to discuss how you might deal with them. One member of the Bridalzine staff figured out early in the relationship that each time her hubby saw the phone bill, there would be an argument. The couple discussed the matter and he explained that he experienced “sticker shock” at the amount but he understood her need for talking to her mother long distance and he didn't want to stop that. They decided that she would deal with the phone bill. He stopped looking at the amount and the argument was over.

 

Decide on an appropriate time period for an argument and stick to it. If most of what needs to be said by the two of you usually is said in the first half hour, use that as a guideline. This helps you avoid throwing the kitchen sink into the discussion because of your anger. When the time period is up, take a deep breath and calmly set a time for you both to discuss it the next day. This cooling off period allows you to gain perspective and lets you decide exactly how important the issue is and whether it's the real reason you're angry

 

Discuss your feelings about what is and isn't acceptable to you during a disagreement. Both of you will have grown up arguing in very different ways. Before you get into your next argument, talk about the things that shaped how you argue. Are you an only child, middle child, oldest child, youngest child? Did you always have to shout to be heard over your family? Were you raised to never express anger? You are part of a team now and can make up brand new rules which suit your relationship.

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