I've spent
the weekend reflecting back on 19 years of marriage and trying to think
what I'd do differently if I were arranging a wedding today, knowing everything
I know now. It has been a wonderful way of examining the events that brought
me to where I am now.
The Groom:
I'd choose
the same groom....I was shocked when Ann Landers did that study a few years
back where people said they'd marry someone different if they had a chance
to do it again. The man I married has grown from the goofy puppy that I
met in high school to a ....hmmmm.... goofy puppy who's got 19 years of
marriage under his slightly expanded belt.
The Engagement:
I'd make
him ask me to marry him properly!! (this means in a romantic setting with
a ring)
I'd give
much better hints about how my dream engagement ring would be a sapphire
with diamond shoulder stones rather than waiting to get said ring for a
much later anniversary and lugging a much-too-expensive-diamond-solitaire
around for years when I don't really like diamonds.
I'd spend
more time enjoying our time together and less time planning the wedding.
The Bridesmaids
and Groomsmen:
Less of
them! 14 is just too many people to please.
I still
wouldn't ask my cousin...I know it caused that big argument but I still
don't think you should ask someone just because you "should"
I'd realize
that my attendants come in all sizes and this time I'd do what I saw done
at a wedding I just loved, I'd tell them all to wear a simple black dress
of a certain length and black shoes and then I'd provide the accent colors
by giving them a beaded bag and flowers in "my colors" (the bride at that
wedding told me that none of the bridesmaids complained about the cost
because they chose dresses in all sorts of prices...one of them was under
$20.00 and it looked incredible..they also had an easy time finding the
shoes, and no dying!)
NO BROWN
TUXEDO's.....black...no ruffles...no mandarin collars..no fancy schmancy
glitter! I'd be blessed with the foresight to know that I'd still have
to look at the pictures in 40 years and simple works no matter how far
into the future you go. Fads fade and leave you wishing you'd never listened
to the people who talked you out of black.
The Cake:
I'd know
that you can make a huge statement for relatively little cost by having
a really dazzling cake that tastes good. My cake this time would be tiered
in different flavors and it would look stunning and different. (think Italian
bakeries here...they make the most extravagant cakes around)
The Expenses:
wow....this
is one of the areas that needs to be nailed down first. I'd get all of
the parents together in one place (with screens to separate the recently
divorced ones) and I'd say that we'd like 100 guests and the wedding we've
planned will cost $8,000 and we would like to pay for 1/3 of that and be
able to invite 1/3 of the guests and we were wondering if the parents from
each side would like to help us with the other 2/3. If they would, they
get to invite 1/3 of the guests each....extra plates are $68.00/each and
anyone who wants more than their allotted 33 guests must pay for them.
It sounds
calculating but this one can split up families and bankrupt about-to-be-married
couples and it's important to set the rules right away. When I married,
I knew that my parents would happily pay for the wedding, but that they
would be going into debt to do so and I didn't want that. We arranged the
wedding and we paid for most of it ourselves but we were shocked at how
many people were being invited by family members who weren't planning on
helping with the expenses. It almost caused a rift in our relationship
and it took us a while to get back on track.
60% of
couples pay for their own wedding now. I think that if you pay for it,
you decide the guest list...for the price of the 8 uncles and business
partners that you've never liked, you could buy all your small appliances!
I'd also
look at having a morning wedding...a full brunch is so much less expensive
than a dinner and guests are just as satisfied.
We were
blessed by having some amazing friends who pitched in to gift us with some
wedding essentials that really helped with the cost....I don't know where
we'd have been if my brother-in-law hadn't thought of paying for our flowers
as a wedding gift and my best friend's mom hadn't bought the bridesmaid's
bouquets and my best friend hadn't decided that she'd give us the limousines
as a gift. Those touches really took some of the stress out of our lives
and were so appreciated.
The Bar
Tab:
Again,
a morning wedding means that much less alcohol will be consumed. Vows at
11 a.m., brunch starting at 12:30, dancing from 2-4 and coffee and dessert
from 4-5 means you'll be serving punch and wine for most of the festivities.
Liquor will be served only for 2 hours and people are much less likely
to over-indulge in the afternoon.
Wine must
be served by waiters, not left on the tables. It's been proven that people
are much more wasteful with wine when it's on the table than when it's
being served....they also drink more.
If it's
an evening wedding, I'd plan to have only punch served until after dinner,
wine with dinner and a cut-off of alcohol at a reasonable hour. One of
the best weddings I've been to announced that the bar was closing at 11p.m.
so that dessert and coffee could be served and guests could enjoy some
conversation before going home. Doing that seemed to avoid the inevitable
over imbibing that happens after 11 and the dessert and coffee gets people
in shape for the drive home.
The Pictures:
I'd know
that on my wedding day, I'd hate the photographer no matter how nice they
were.
I'd give
friends a few rolls of black & white film because weddings look incredible
in black & white.
I'd put
a disposable camera on every table at the reception and only have a professional
shoot the traditional shots. 19 years later, I treasure the pictures that
our friends took because they show the "real" us and you can see the love
more easily in those images than in any of the well staged professional
ones.
I'd take
about a million more pictures of my mom and dad...At my wedding, I thought
that those two vibrant people would be around for the rest of my life.
I would
make a point of taking a picture with each and every person who shared
our day with us. I felt so much pleasure at a recent wedding when the couple
came to each table before dinner and let each person who was there know
that they wanted to remember them forever.
The Thank
you Notes:
(hanging
my head in shame)
I'd send
them so much faster.
The Honeymoon:
I wouldn't
change a thing!
I also wouldn't change
anything about the 19 years that followed the wedding. It's not really
very hard to have a successful marriage if you mix the love you started
with and a heaping helping of respect for each other and an iron-clad agreement
that you'll resolve arguments quickly and fairly. A sense of humor and
an ability to shrug off the small stuff also helps.
go
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